Clergy Bridge | Bridging the Gap Between Social Services and the Community

Sexual Addictions

DYNAMICS AND THEORIES OF SEXUAL ADDICTIONS

According to Michael Herkov, PhD. (2006), “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.”

One theory of sexual addictions involves trauma. According to this theory, individuals who develop sexual addictions have experienced either developmental trauma or a traumatic event (sometimes called shock trauma). Developmental trauma occurs when children grow up in dysfunctional environments and, as a result, their developmental needs are not met. Both developmental trauma and shock trauma (especially sexual abuse) can lead to unhealthy sexual development and a host of other problems. Individuals who have experienced trauma often have unhealthy beliefs about sex and are also ill-equipped psychologically to manage crises or
unpleasant emotional states. These individuals frequently discover that sexual behaviors can temporarily relieve the pain of the trauma. This coupled with unhealthy sexual beliefs and lack of appropriate coping skills can lead to sexual addiction (Robinett, 2003).

Another theory of sexual addiction centers on the principle of attachment. In this theory, the individual who later develops a sexual addiction fails to attach with a nurturing care-giver during infancy, then denies the need for a nurturing person, which denial leads to deprivation of love and belonging needs. Other contributing factors in this theory include family relationship estrangement, a family dynamic of rigidity, perfectionism, early exposure to sexual situations or materials that cause arousal, and problems developing emotional intimacy in relationships. According to this theory, individuals who develop sexual addictions will experience most if not all of these factors during their childhood. The addiction develops in an attempt to fulfill their need for emotional intimacy and human connectedness. Engaging in sexual behaviors also serves as a temporary escape from the loneliness they feel as a result of their inability to connect with others in meaningful ways. Sadly, the addictive behaviors typically lead to increased emotional isolation and disconnectedness (Wong, 2000).

HOW ARE SEXUAL ADDICTIONS MANIFESTED?

Sexual addictions involve a variety of behaviors that have taken control of the addict’s life and have made it unmanageable. These behaviors can include pornography, sexual promiscuity, masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, rape, incest, child molestation, making obscene phone calls, etc (Carnes, 2009). One or more of these behaviors increase in frequency and intensity until they begin to interfere with the ability of the individual to have healthy relationships and to carry out regular daily activities and responsibilities.

WHAT ARE THE WARNING SIGNS?

Dr. Patrick Carnes has identified ten warning signs of sexual addictions. If individuals are experiencing one or more of these warning signs, they may have a sexual addiction. The warning signs are as follows:

• Feeling that your [sexual] behavior is out of control

• Being aware that there may be severe consequences if you continue

• Feeling unable to stop your behavior, despite knowing the consequences

• Persistently pursuing destructive and/or high-risk activities

• Wanting to stop or control what you’re doing and taking active steps to limit your activities

• Using sexual fantasies as a way of coping with difficult feelings or situations

• Needing more and more sexual activity in order to experience the same high

• Experiencing intense mood swings around sexual activity

• Spending an increasing amount of time planning, engaging in or regretting and recovering from sexual activities

• Neglecting important social, occupational or recreational activities in favor of sexual behavior (Hall)

WHAT CAN CLERGY DO?

Reid, Gray, and Manning (2005) make the following recommendations for clergy or ecclesi- astical leaders in helping individuals with sexual addictions, particularly those with pornography problems:

• Understand that sexual addiction and pornography problems are rarely about sex. The behaviors involved in the addiction serve as a temporary escape for the individual much in the same way that mood-altering drugs serve as an escape. It can be helpful to identify what the individual is trying to escape by engaging in the behaviors of the addiction. Usually, the person with the addiction is trying to avoid unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings, such as stress or anxiety. It is important for the individual to develop more appropriate and effective ways of coping with the unpleasant feelings.

• Avoid labeling people with pornography problems or sexual addictions as “addicts.” Because of the common misperception that addicts have no control over their behavior and cannot help what they do, these kinds of labels sometimes have the effect of taking away personal responsibility for one’s actions. However, it is also important to recognize that an individual may choose to label him or herself as an “addict” as part of a 12-Step program. In that context, individuals are merely recognizing their inability to change themselves and the need for help from a Higher Power.

• It is vital to assess the severity of the problem. With pornography, it may be important to find out the individual’s definition of pornography, when he or she first saw pornography, how often and what types of pornography (heterosexual, homosexual, child) he or she views, if masturbation or other behaviors are involved, if the pornography has become more “hard core” over time, if he or she has made prior attempts to quit, if he or she hides the behaviors, and if he or she has noticed things that reduce or increase the problem. It is essential to maintain a high level of compassion in assessing the issue so that it does not start feeling like an interrogation.

• It may be helpful to explore the person’s readiness for change. Sometimes people are unsure if they really want to change or if they are ready. It can be especially difficult for individuals who perceive great advantages to continuing their current behaviors. Sometimes it is helpful to do a cost/benefit analysis with individuals as to the benefits and the costs of both continuing the behaviors and changing the behaviors. It is important to allow them to identify their own costs and benefits.

• It is important to let the individual own the problem. Ultimately, the individual must make his or her own choices, so it is essential from the start that the individual is actively involved in determining his or her own “recovery plan.”

• If individuals feel that they need therapy as part of their recovery, it is appropriate to ask them to sign a release of information form from the therapist, making it possible to work with the therapist in the recovery process.

TREATMENT

According to Dr. Michael Herkov (2006), the two primary issues that must be addressed in a treatment program are one, separating the person with a sexual addiction from harmful sexual behaviors, and two, helping the person cope with the shame, guilt, and depression that nearly always accompany the addiction. Dr. Herkov also identified several questions that can be asked in choosing a good sexual addiction treatment program. The questions are as follows:

• What percentage of the therapy program will be focused on sexual addiction and compulsiveness?

• What are the groups that address these issues?

• What is the staff’s experience facilitating the groups or program for sexual addiction and compulsiveness?

• Is the program based on a 12-step philosophy, and are there appropriate 12-step meetings to attend while in treatment?

• Is there a separate group that allows couples to work on the more intimate issues of their relationship?

• Does education about sexual addiction and compulsiveness clarify misconceptions about this highly misunderstood set of behaviors?

• Is the disclosure process facilitated by trained staff who understand the vulnerability of each family member and make appropriate decisions about which family members need to hear information about specific symptoms and behaviors?

• Is time allotted for family members or spouses to receive support in processing and debriefing information that the individual discloses during treatment?

• Is there a focus on the health risks involved for both partners and how to address these in a continuing care plan?

MYTHS AND REALITIES

• Sex addiction therapy is only for married people or those individuals in a committed
relationship. Individuals who develop a compulsion regarding sex are putting themselves
at risk whether they are single, dating or married. Engaging in unsafe sex can lead to
serious health consequences such as contracting HIV/AIDS, herpes or other venereal
disease. Also, there is unlawful behavior to consider as well, such as soliciting a prostitute
or exchanging illegal drugs for sex.

• Sex addicts can stop whenever they want. Sexual addiction is a strong psychological
condition, and just like drug addiction or an addiction to gambling, the individual alone
cannot stop engaging in the behavior, even if they want to and know that it is causing
harm to themselves and their families. Sexual addiction treatment is the most effective
course of action for these individuals.

• Only men are sex addicts. Current research suggests that sex addiction strikes both
genders almost equally. Men and women may experience different root causes for their
condition, but this condition certainly does not “play favorites.”

• Sex addiction is the same condition it was 20 years ago. The Internet has greatly changed
sexual addiction, giving compulsive individuals much greater access to the elements of
their addiction than they would have had two decades ago. The overwhelming amounts of
online pornography, as well as chat rooms and web sites that can help facilitate anonymous
sexual encounters have accelerated the problem for many individuals. The anonymous
nature of the web has removed many previous barriers to seeking out these kinds of
materials and relationships (Moonview LLC, 2008).

• I will stop using porn after I am married. Pornography use rarely stops after marriage and
in many cases escalates. Stopping its use and healing from its effects long before marriage is
the healthiest choice.

• Pornography provides me a sexual ‘outlet’ until I have a sexual relationship with a
spouse. Pornography is not a substitute or replacement for marital intimacy. Pornography
use handicaps one’s ability to be intimate and sexual with one’s spouse. It conditions one
to disconnect. Pornography use also increases the risk of divorce and sexual dissatisfaction.
Practicing self-discipline and learning to manage sexual feelings in mature, value-based
ways is critical preparation for satisfying marital intimacy.

• I can stop my pornography use anytime, and I can overcome it on my own. Most people
have faulty beliefs around their abilities to stop destructive habits. Habitual pornography
use, especially if it started in adolescence, often requires specialized, professional inter-
vention for solid sobriety to occur. A combination of approaches works best: medical
(physicians, psychiatrists), therapeutic (addiction counselors, specialized therapists),
spiritual supports, & support groups (e.g., 12 step programs).

• I use pornography because I am very sexual and simply like sex. Pornography is anti-sex
and lust-based. People who truly love sex and want to celebrate their sexuality, will seek
after and make sacrifices to experience high quality, high functioning sexual relationships
that nurture the highest in them and others. Don’t sell yourself short (Manning).

TREATMENT AGENCIES

Davis Counseling
14 N Main St., Springville, UT
(801) 489-0124

The Gathering Place
251 E 1200, Orem, UT
(801) 226-2255

Growth Climate Therapy
2545 N Canyon Rd. #210, Provo, UT
(801) 224-2525

Karen Wignall
754 S 400 E, Orem, UT
(801) 376-8466

12-Step Support Groups (Websites/Phone Numbers for Information and Current Meeting Schedules)

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
www.sa.org
(801) 802-8380

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
www.sexaa.org
S-Anon (family support)
(800) 210-8141

LDS Addiction Recovery Program
http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html

BOOKS

Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors, by Rory Reid & Dan Gray

Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes, PhD

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes, PhD

Purity & Passion: Spiritual Truths about Intimacy that will Strengthen Your Marriage, by Wendy Watson, PhD

The Secret Sin: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, by Mark Laaser, PhD

The Sex Addiction Workbook: Proven Strategies to Help You Regain Control of Your Life, by Tamara Penix Sbraga, PhD & William T. O’Donohue, PhD

WEB RESOURCES (SEXUAL ADDICTION INFORMATION)

Faithful and True Ministries, Inc.
www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

Internet Filter Review
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com

The LifeSTAR Network
www.lifestarnetwork.org

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net

Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP)
www.utahcoalition.org

ONLINE SCREENING TESTS

The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST)
http://www.sexhelp.com/sast.cfm

The Internet Sex Screening Test (ISST)
http://www.sexhelp.com/isst.cfm

The “Betrayal Bond” Test
http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

REFERENCES

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SexHelp Web site: http://www.sexhelp.com/addiction_definitions.cfm

Chamberlain, M., Gray, D. & Reid, R. (2005). Confronting Pornography: A guide to prevention and recovery for
individuals, loved ones, and leaders. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Duda, J. (2008). County heroin use on the rise. Retrieved February 26, 2009, from the Daily Herald Web site:
http://www.heraldextra.com/content/view/260717/17/

Edelman, B. (2009). Markets: Red light states: Who buys online adult entertainment? Journal of Economic
Perspectives, 23(1): 209–20.

Garcia, M.(2005). A glass of wine: Myths about alcohol. Retrieved February 26, 2009, from http://iml.jou.ufl.
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Hall, P. Relationships/sex/sexual health – problems: Addicted to sex. Retrieved from the BBC Web site: http://
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Herkov, M. (2006). What is sexual addiction? Retrieved February 27, 2009, from the Psych Central Web site:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/what-is-sexual-addiction/

Manning, J. C. What singles need to know about pornography. Retrieved March 2, 2009, from http://www.
drjillcmanning.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/singles.pdf

Moonview LLC. (2008). Addiction Treatment: Myths and facts about sex addiction therapy. Retrieved March 2,
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National Institute on Drug Abuse.(2008). NIDA infofacts: Marijuana. Retrieved February 26, 2009, from the
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Robinett, M. (2003). Addiction and trauma. Retrieved March 12, 2009, from http://www.sexaddicthelp.com/
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Top Ten Reviews. (2009). Internet pornography statistics. Retrieved March 2, 2009, from http://internet-filter-
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U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2004). Core competencies for clergy and other pastoral
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